Are you better at managing yourself or are you better at handling relationships?
Does your answer change if you alter the context?
The Institute for Social and Emotional Intelligence's© four-quadrant model identifies twenty-six competencies, thirteen competencies determine how we manage ourselves while the other thirteen examine how we handle our day to day relationships. Having an accurate self-assessment of these competencies is important but how do you know your perspectives of self are true? Imagine being able to participate in a twenty-minute computer assessment that will provide you with a reliable and valid analysis of your strengths and challenges?
Intimidating yes, the opportunity to enhance awareness and strategies to grow, empowering!
Prior to debriefing/reviewing a participant's results, I will ask them to examine the following twenty-six skills and identify where they feel their strengths and challenges exist. You can review each of the twenty-six skills listed choose to reflect on your personal or professional relationships. This will take time. Rate yourself from 1 - 10, 1 being your challenge and 10 strength.
Ask a friend/co-worker/supervisor to provide you feedback, even better find two or three. Lean into the discomfort, you will likely feel vulnerable during this exercise thus why it is important to create a psychologically safe environment. As a coach, I can facilitate individual/ couple/family/group/team awareness and assist each achieve health + wealth success.
How did you do? Are you interested in discovering how self aware you are? Be empowered and give me a call!
My mother, a sibling of fifteen and mother of three became a, Registered Nurse (RN). Her medical and familial wisdom enabled her to be aware of and support early intervention allowing me, to not only to survive but thrive with dyslexia. The school system also assisted I am unsure if I would have fared so well if I was entering the current school system.
My mother kept every document provided by our school system from 1977 until I graduated, report cards, pictures, and acknowledgments. The handwritten notes from teachers clearly outlined my progress or lack of. My grade primary report identified my inability to learn the alphabet or correct the direction of certain letters and numbers. Despite this assessment, I was provided a pass into grade 1 and spent the majority of my time in the resource class with several other kids requiring learning assistance.
My older brothers had been in the school system for several years before my first day and their accounts were not positive. Being labeled, “retarded” and “stupid,” beaten and bullied, kicked out of school, an ignorant system dictated by educators.
My brothers were not dumb in fact one is a genius. Mom was aware of studies taking place at the IWK regarding dyslexia and my brothers participated. Despite not being able to read or write assessments clearly prove intelligence was not the issue.
My experiences with the school system varied. I was very fortunate that my primary teacher, Mr. Archibald was aware of our families learning challenges and had participated in dyslexia training that past summer. I was quickly assessed and placed in the resource class to focus on my areas of challenge. There was no immersion of students and an individual personal plan (IPP) would not have helped me reach the goals I did.
When I left grade six and entered junior high, I struggled without the added support but I succeeded. My mother advocated for me and permission to drop French was granted. I no longer needed to be humiliated daily because of my inability to pronounce or spell French words. The resource class had been a place of safety to learn without an audience. Kids can be very mean and words do hurt.
When I went to high school, I also learned that having a teacher with an accent made it near impossible for me to comprehend what was being said let alone learn the material. That first semester I received 11%. I spent an extra year in high school attaining my University Preparation Math as I planned to enter Community college and later University.
All educational settings provided me opportunities to become not only more familiar with the various symptoms/challenges of my dyslexia but ways to fit within the various molds our educational systems define.
I was very fortunate to have entered school they year I did, to have adults willing to advocate on my behalf, to receive early intervention outside of a mold I was unable to conform to and to have the resilience to move forward no matter how many times someone told me or implied I was stupid. A lot of action had to occur to get me here and I am thankful for the help and support I received along the way.
What pattern of behavior are you repeating from your early examples of relationship?
The nature versus nurture debate clearly identifies that both influence our behaviors. Nature is defined by our genetics and determined by our biological birth parent’s genetics which has also been influenced by their ancestors. Nurture is the influence of others on self: families, schools, your spiritual group, community, media, government.
We are left powerless in regards to our genetics although we can educate ourselves on the various challenges one may experience from genetic influences and empower self to discover and adopt strategies to live well. Reflection is part of the educational process when examining influences of nurture, as well as an accurate self-assessment.
Today I found myself reflecting on the rituals my partner and I have established. One of the ways we express our love for each other is with a kiss when connecting or departing. There are others of course but this behavior is consistent and has meaning.
My parents had their own rituals, one was the kiss hello and goodbye as well as Dad's lunch box.
While growing up I observed my mother and father engage in rituals they defined for their marriage. As the youngest of three, I was present in the home when dads job did not have him away or working long hours. For years it was not unusual to have Dad arrive home after I was in bed and get up and go back to work before, I got up.
Every time dad came home, he would greet mom with a kiss placing his lunchbox and thermos on the counter. Dad always screwed the top off the thermos, as screwed on tighter than could be managed by mom. Mom would then systematically clean the items and prepare them for there next use. I knew Dad was home if the thermos and lunch box was on the counter, getting up or coming home.
Do you reflect on how your nurture has impacted you? Is there a behavior you engage in because of your genetics (nature) or upbringing (nurture)? Are you sure? Discuss with others or read an article/book on the nature vs nurture debate! If you do you may have a different perspective, thus the great debate.
How is your teamwork and collaboration?
Individuals are engaged in a multitude of teams and each team is trying to attain a goal.
Take a few seconds to reflect on the number of teams you are actively involved in, professional and personal. Can you clearly define the goal of each team? Are there values and beliefs that assist you with group norms? If these answers are not clear have a discussion with team members.
If you don’t know where you are going, you are following others, awareness provides you with the knowledge required to lead.
Teamwork and collaboration are important soft skills to develop. The Institute for Social and Emotional Intelligence® identifies teamwork and collaboration as one of ten management of other competencies in there Social + Emotional Intelligence Profile (SEIP®). Individuals who have a strong teamwork and collaboration competency share several characteristics:
Individuals learn how to effectively collaborate with others toward a shared goal through experiential learning.
In pre-school kids learn how to share and as language progresses collaborate to achieve goals. A group of children may decide to make a sand castle, defined goal. Watch the dynamics that occur in the sand box. Do you see a leader, follower, anyone not focused on the goal, what percentage of the children/team are focused on the task? Does the task get done?
As we grow tasks increase in difficulty, objectives and roles change there are more people in the sandbox in multiple contexts flexibility becomes an increasingly important S+EI© competency to assess and attain.
Awareness of self and other as well as management of self and other skills is key to engage effectively. S+EI® can be enhanced to infinity and beyond unlike intellect (IQ). Each time an individual works within a group successfully, reaching a goal, the behavior is reinforced.
It is important to address unsportsmanlike behavior and provide redirection in either sandbox if you are to reach the group goal.
Individuals who are challenged in environments where teamwork and collaboration are expected may exhibit these characteristics:
Being able to identify these debilitating team behaviors and engage in difficult but caring conversations with a group member is essential.
Sometimes a fellow team member who has a positive relationship may be able to help a co-worker but often outside support is required.
I can assist you overcome challenges! Want to explore what that may look like, contact me.
What holds us back?
Fear holds us back, three in particular:
I ask you to think about and jot down goals/objectives you have set for self over your lifespan. I suggest you take a couple of days to get a real comprehensive list together. Talk to friends and family if you need help. Ask them:
While you have known me what goals or objectives have, I achieved? Are their goals and objectives I have mentioned that I have yet to achieve or haven’t?
When you can’t think of anymore start to review your list. Cross off all of the goals you have achieved up to this point in your lifetime. Take the time to recognize your accomplishments and reflect on the strategies you utilized to achieve the goal.
You now have a list of goals and objectives you still have the opportunity to achieve. Review your list again are there any goals/objectives listed that you truly have no passion for anymore. Cross them off. Finally, cross off any that are not realistic or beneficial to your physical/mental/spiritual/social well-being.
At this point re-write your list with any goals/objectives that remain. Review the list and ask yourself.
We often hear not trying is the failure. Nurtures impact on an individual’s sense of external and internal motivation is important to understand. Individuals may not have realistic expectations when designing goals and strategies or intentionally sabotage any success they may have. Individuals who have repeatedly not succeeded become comfortable within the self-sabotage role while others potentially enable the behavior. We all have our own “shit pile” (link SHIT pile blog) that impacts the way we feel and behave.
Is it because I fear I may expose a weakness?
Trying something new is difficult for everyone. If you remain stuck in a rut you are missing developmental opportunities because you’re not practicing growth mindset strategies. Sydney Crosby reviews his ice time looking for opportunities to improve his play and he wants feedback. We all have challenges, fortunately, you can enhance your chances of health + wealth success. Social + Emotional Intelligence Profiling and Coaching© enhances an individuals or teams Social + Emotional Intelligence (S+EI)© therefore self-awareness, awareness of other as well as self management and effective relationships improve.
Is it because I fear I may discover who I truly am?
Earlier in my life, the fear of failure or having others identify my challenges held me back. At some point I really didn’t care and I accepted myself, fear lost its power.
My “shit pile” has made me stronger and I use that manure to nurture my growth.
Do not give away your power to fear, listen to what it is telling you then set it down and tell “fear” how you will overcome it.
I facilitate coaching to assist the reflection process and peel back the layers to get at the real cause of our fear. We explore the legitimacy of the fear and how twisted thinking may be impacting your perceptive..
Individuals with high levels of social and emotional intelligence cope with stress better. Why?
They appear to have a greater number of tools/strategies in their toolbox to access when faced with various challenges. In the "Relationship between general intelligence, emotional intelligence, stress levels and stress reactivity," they concluded, emotional intelligence as a function of our brain is better suited to handle acute stress and perceived stress. IQ, on the other hand, showed no significant correlation. Https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4117081/
If you want to decrease your stress enhance your social and emotional intelligence. ® Coaching is the most effective way to enhance an individual/teams/families social and emotional intelligence. ®
Many studies focus on the impact stress has on our ability to engage and produce in professional settings. We all have seen enough studies and articles to state stress negatively impacts our personal and professional well being. What can you do to protect you and the others who will be living or working with you?
Enhance your self-awareness.
Enhancing your ability to identify how you are feeling, in the moment, will assist you to recognize when a timeout is needed. Don't laugh! Kids do not have the awareness yet and we often direct them to take a timeout to cool down before they escalate further. As an adult, if you notice feelings of anger, fear, frustration or other feelings that may lead you to say or do something you may regret its time to take charge.
When faced with an uncomfortable situation that you cannot physically walk away from your going to need to change your mindset fast.
This context/individual/group is testing you. An opportunity exists for you to strengthen self, enhance resiliency and retain your power. Individuals without high levels of social and emotional intelligence are fishing, don't fall for the bait dangling off their hook.
Being aware of the situations that provoke you to react is important as can allow you to practice strategies to minimize the harm of stress
People with higher levels of emotional intelligence are more aware of their feelings, what causes them, and why.
When we are in tune with self, have control of our feelings and practice personal power we can turn our attention to others emotional well being. Stress impacts the way they engage with others they come into contact. Unfortunately, individuals do not have an awareness of other may choose to personalize the behavior of a co-worker, family member or neighbor. Being able to read a situation appropriately and choose to not get caught up in a stressful situation they have no control over.
Compassion and empathy for another's stressful situation may allow you to avoid negative exchanges. Don't give others your power!
Don’t react! Respond
If your beliefs, values or safety is threatened then situational awareness dictates other tactics. Stating you do not agree with another's position calmly and politely is certainly different than a full out yelling match. You want to respond to behaviors not react. Not reacting is so hard particularly with our families. Our families know better than anyone all our insecurities and vulnerability buttons.
Self-awareness and awareness of other can assist you to prepare yourself for the comments and jokes that are likely to pop up. Take control of the situation your previous behavior does not need to be your current.
Stress due to conflict is often because of an individual's inability to truly listen to another. To communicate effectively we need to be able to listen to another persons perspective, truly listen. We more often than not hear others rather than listen. We may prepare our reputable or our focus is elsewhere. All of us want to be heard!
A variety of perspectives exist
If you believe your perspectives and only your perspectives are correct you are going to live in perpetual conflict. Our nature and nurture influence how we view the world. Your view is but one you can have a passion for your beliefs, values and mission in life but it does not give you the right to silence other. Acceptance of self and other is key to enhancing your social and emotional intelligence, diversity makes us all stronger.
Enhancing your self-awareness will allow you the ability to recognize when stress is negatively impacting your physical, mental, spiritual and psychological. If you are not able to find strategies to address the stress asking for help is a sign of integrity. All of us need help throughout our lives a coach or mentor may assist you to develop the skills required to address life's daily stressors without negatively impacting your holistic lifestyle.
Those with powerful influencing skills are able to wield effective tactics for persuasion.
When we are communicating effectively we are listening deeply and openly and sending clear, credible, convincing messages. Communication is not about what you say but how we say it! Be empowered!
“Imperfect Perspectives" will consist of written and video format. The writing and videos will be imperfect as I am the composer and director and I am perfectly imperfect! Be genuine, have the hard conversations and be compassionate to self and other. Be empowered!